The Reentry of the Love of my Life

I texted him as I entered into dinner with a friend, “I decided I don’t want you in my life anymore. I want no communication. Please respect this.” Then I proceeded to block him on every platform possible. It appeared I fell off the face of the earth. I was, in fact, dead gone from his life as he was mine. This occurred after months of passionate, obsessive, madly in love, crazy, head over heels, texting every hour, you can’t not answer the phone when they call, insane arguments yelling at each other to then just make love to each other, type of connection. It felt like there were lifetimes of chemistry, emotional bonding, fairytale love, depth, beauty, pain, moments that stop you dead in your tracks, wondering this is real life? And suddenly, BOOM, the fireworks shapeshift into a bomb, with nothing left yet smoke and mirrors. I’m sure he felt like I was a thief disguised as this beautiful, imaginary princess from his perspective. It would have appeared suddenly; I eagerly ran out the door into a fleeting training rushing out of the station towards the next country to start again. Almost like this was a habit, I pre-planned to choose a man, emotionally get him to fall in love, then torture through a slow death while living. Yet, in truth, this was the beginning of a dark night that would last for nearly eighteen months.

I walked into dinner with my friend. I felt rock solid cold like a colossal icicle hanging beneath a glacier. My heart felt numb, dead; it appeared I so willingly eliminated the love of my life from my life. I returned home, and tears are gushing out of me, hyperventilating; someone would have thought I was having an asthma attack. Why would I willingly do this to myself and put myself through such pain? The truth of it all is I had a great lesson I had to learn that usually many of us don’t realize until it’s too late. When we betray ourselves to keep love alive, we betray everyone else involved in our relationships, teams, and life as well.

I’ll always remember the night in February 2019 I met this man; I walked in with my silky green pantsuit, a golden chain around the hips as a belt. He’s dressed in all black, his black scaly shoes, his beautiful black eyes that met my brown eyes. His eyes squiggled around up to the left, then looked straight at me like a surgeon going in for a precise cut to heal someone’s life. He…